The Relationship that Uplifts You

If I told you that once upon a time, I believed that no man would truly value me, would you believe me?

Well, that is exactly a belief that I held up until recently. And I know how crazy that sounds, but it’s my truth and if I do anything, I’m always going to share my truth. This isn’t to say that I believed that men didn’t find me useful, because they did. But being useful and being valued are two vastly different experiences. Experiences that I didn’t realize when I was younger, but are crystal clear to me now.

Looking back on my previous relationships, I’m in awe at the type of situations I willingly and enthusiastically engaged in due to my lack of self-esteem and self-love and I’m so thankful that I can look back on them with thankfulness that I survived. In retrospect, I just wish I valued and loved myself more from the very beginning. That way I would have required more of the people that I allowed into my spaces. Instead, what I received was a reflection of my inability to accept love – especially from myself – and my refusal to believe in my worthiness of it.

Hindsight really is 20/20.

Naturally, my experiences shaped my expectations of what it meant for man and woman to live as one and love as a unit. I chose to be emotionally closed off from relationships to avoid potential disappointment and heartache. It was my safety net, knowing that I wouldn’t be in a position to hurt or be hurt. It was my decision to dodge relationships because of the inevitable failure that came with attempting to have a romantic relationship with someone else.

And while I have a sense of peace since I have never experienced heartache, I do have a sense of shame that I didn’t have enough courage to give the most sacred piece of myself – my vulnerability – to another person. I once held this as a badge of honor, but now as I enter this new phase of my life, I hold this as a hurdle to overcome.

What is this new phase of my life, you ask? In relation to the topic at hand, I am excited to say I am being exposed to the uncomfortable comfort that happens with you are with a person who truly wants to support, care for, and love on you. I’m not going to get into the specifics (because someone might read this and I’m not tryna blow nobody’s head up), but I am happy to say there is someone in my life who opens my eyes to the possible joys that come when you’re in a healthy relationship.

While I am basking in this new phase of life, I still remain cautious. I mean, this is a lifetime of unpacking, revealing, and healing that has to take place. However, I have opened up to the idea of receiving that type of experience that I didn’t know could exist for me, and that’s a big step.

So, cheers to claiming the love we deserve that lifts us to our highest selves.

Love,

Autumn