Sex Isn’t My Superpower

I’m just going to come out and say it: I wish I never had sex. I should have just become a nun like my mother hoped. Alright, let me not get to lying (though, I was on a path to become a nun back in the day).

What I should say is that I wish I knew the power I possessed earlier on, so that I wouldn’t have given it away as soon as I did. I had no idea what I was offering up and giving away. I hadn’t a clue of how my life would change based on the decision I made back then.

Now, don’t misunderstand – I am sex positive. I believe that people should engage in sex any way they like. Whether that is by themselves, with one other person, with multiple. I don’t judge! I am only speaking as a woman with her own range of experiences who is now in reflection mode as a single female in today’s society.

Now, back to what I was saying.

I wasn’t young when I opened that can of worms. Wait. Not can of worms, because it surely wasn’t a can of worms, okay?! *clears throat* I wasn’t young, but I definitely was not ready. I was ready, but I wasn’t ready for what sex meant and would mean for me as time progressed. But this isn’t about sex though, as sex is never really just about sex. This is about experiencing men [or women] too early on and what that can do to the psyche (mine at least).

Growing up, I had different examples of what a relationship was, and while I thought it was love… it wasn’t. From television, I saw the relationship between men and women highly sexualized. From my parents, I saw the relationship between man and woman to have a foundation of secrets, lies, and heartache. In elementary school, the relationship between boy and girl was a mystery that I desired to understand. In middle school, it was forbidden, so naturally I became curious. High school taught me that relationships weren’t sacred and were for everyone’s viewing pleasure. When I entered college, I saw relationships as what they really were. The optimistic child in me yearned to be wrong about men, women, and the connection between the two… But instead, the examples she had in her collection proved to be true and that hopeful girl evolved into someone… different.

It became clear that all of those years, relationships had been dominated by men. And not in the stereotypical way you may be thinking – the way of gender roles where the women do the cooking and cleaning and the men do the eating and sleeping. No, not that.

When I say dominate, I mean… the men had power over women; they had the control. Just by being men, they got women to do what they wanted them to do and act like they wanted them to act. It was interesting; the lengths women would go to stroke a man’s ego and make them feel good seemed nonexistent. I’m not innocent. I was once that young woman who did what they wanted me to do and act how they wanted me to act. I’m not ashamed, because it’s all a part of the learning experience, but looking back I wonder how I allowed myself to developed into that person.

Starting out, it was all fun and games. I was a naïve and willing participant to the foolishness and then suddenly, I wasn’t… And those decisions that I made and choices that were made for me, had consequences. Thus, I became the woman I am today.

The dedication I had for myself and achieving various goals and aspirations when I wasn’t thinking about a potential partner was shifted to the man who gave me the attention I sought. It just felt natural to put myself aside for someone else, as this is what I’ve always been accustomed to growing up. As the oldest child, it’s natural and expected of you to put yourself aside for the greater good.

So, I’ve always been the type to give too much to those who didn’t have the means to give to themselves. Perhaps I saw men as unequipped, simply unable to survive on their own. But the relationship between men and women doesn’t have to be what I encountered growing up. It can be full of trust, balance, and peace.

And that’s where my power lies – in trust, balance, and peace. And these are now the qualities I have on reserve for myself. I have to trust myself before I can fully trust someone else. Balance is essential; without it, I’ll never end the cycle of giving too much of myself to someone else. And peace? Well let’s just say it’s been a long road in unlearning that sex is the only way to get what I want.

Sex is multifaceted – it gives us pleasure, brings us closer to our purest selves, and creates beautiful moments with loved ones. But it can also be used as a weapon. I have always seen my life as chaotic, and I saw sex as a way to have control over it. Sex was my gateway drug that allowed me to take back my dominance from those who tried to take it from me, to control my narrative, to create my own experiences rather than just be in them.

As a wiser woman, I understand that I don’t need sex to get my power back. My power cannot be taken. I am power.

Embrace yours.

Love,

Autumn