Safer at Home? Not for the Abused
The weather is getting colder and we are approaching that time of year: cuffing season. We know it’s the time when us single folk try to nail someone down for the colder months. I mean, come on, we like cuddling too. It’s also about to be that time where couples start spending more time in the house, just because it’s too chilly to go out. So why not just stay home by the fireplace and cozy up with one another.
That’s the ideal, right?
If that ideal sounds like a regular date night in your relationship, consider yourself lucky because the truth of the matter is there is a staggering number of people who will never know the feeling of truly enjoying their partner or their company. To give you a better idea of what I mean when I say this, there are about 12 million people every year who can’t enjoy their partner’s company because they have been or are actual victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by their partner.
This is approximately 24 men and women per minute… If I may, I’d like the opportunity to put this in a little perspective. By the time you finish reading this here blog post, there will be about 72 people who were raped, stalked, or physically abused by an intimate partner. I don’t even want to do the math on how many people suffered in the amount of time I wrote these words.
Ugh. Being able to write about this statistic and not have to be a part of this statistic is such a privilege I’m currently thankful to have *says a quick prayer* and I hope to never take for granted.
Domestic abuse seems so unfathomable, but it happens more often than you are aware of. Whether you know it or not, you do know someone who is currently in an abusive relationship, has been a victim of an abusive relationship, or is a product of an abusive relationship. I fit into two of those categories, and even then, it’s our natural response to constantly try to convince and reassure ourselves that it could never happen to us. And if by some evil force, if we ever found ourselves in an abusive relationship, that we would leave the relationship the first chance we got.
But it’s not that easy. Not by a longshot.
Did you know it takes eight attempts, most likely over the course of many years, to actually get out of an abusive relationship? Can you believe that? It’s not as easy as Jennifer Lopez made it look in Enough. I would be nice if everyone had these same resources though.
This is a cycle of victims spending years of surviving the unpredictable outbursts from their partner. Years of walking on eggshells to be on their best behavior. Years of layering clothing or applying makeup on their cuts and bruises just to avoid the questions from teachers, colleagues, doctors, friends, and family. Years of planning to leave, attempting to leave, failing to leave, and seeing opportunities pass by, losing hope with each passing day.
When we think about the pandemic and the horrors that occur around the world, sometimes we forget about the horrors that happen a little closer to home, and unfortunately in the home. 2020 has already provided its own struggles and devastations. And with the stay-at-home orders different countries, states, and cities mandated, the solace victims found from outside communities existed no more and the home they ran from became their new permanent prison.
Now, more than ever, is the time to be a little more attentive to your friends, family, and colleagues, and anyone you’ve built a connection with over time. Having a conversation about domestic violence is not always an easy conversation – in fact, it rarely ever is. And if you can’t have the conversation, at least you can have the information on what to do if you do suspect abuse.
Here are the basics.
Be there: it’s a great start – abuse can be so isolating to the victim and that’s usually the goal of the abuser, so don’t take away the value of your presence; your presence alone can be enough to let the victim know they have your support and that you’re listening.
Be non-judgmental – understand victims are in a terrifying situation, it is not their fault, and you cannot be their savior. Remember, it takes on average eight times to leave an abusive relationship, and they may even return to their abusers – keep that in mind because it is especially in those moments where you must respect and support their decision no matter how passionately you disagree – it is, after all, their decision.
Be encouraging – maintaining relationships with others outside of the home will empower victims to live the life without abuse they yearn so badly for. Gently promote the benefit of building connections with others in the community and dare I say, local service provider for counseling, moral, or legal support.
You may think it’s a lot to take on, but know that there is someone who would do the same for you. If you see the signs of abuse, and want to help, help. Without hesitation. We are in chaotic times right now and to combine those stressors with everyday life can result in some nasty situations.
If you’re safe at home even when your partner is by your side, I’m so thankful and happy for you.
But if you’re not, know that you at least have me by your side and I will do whatever it takes to make sure that you have the resources you need to find your way out. I hope that if you’re reading this, you would do the same.
No one deserves to associate love with violence.
Love,
Autumn
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