Preventing Suicide: One Day at a Time

I have an estranged relationship with death. I feel indifferent towards it, probably because I know our time on this earth is limited, and death is inevitable. But it doesn’t make talks of it any easier. This story in particular is one that I have been avoiding for as long as I could, but the time has come.

I’m from Michigan but moved to Virginia in 2007, where I started high school. As a freshman, my favorite class was Algebra II with the coolest teacher ever. She had a tongue ring, she lived by her own rules, and she was so body positive that I felt stronger for being taller and thicker than my peers. But it wasn’t just the teacher that made me love the class. A couple of people befriended me, and I had an interesting relationship with one of them in particular. Albeit a wave here and there, we only talked in class and after school on Meebo. Yes, I said Meebo.

Even after I had moved after my freshman year and started at a new school my sophomore year, we still kept up with one another. It wasn’t often, but it was enough for us to not forget each other. One day, he reached out to tell me about how his girlfriend broke up with him for another boy and how he felt he deserved it since that’s exactly what he did to his ex-girlfriend.

As was common for me at the time to find the positive in any situation, I reassured him that it was her loss and he would move on. The rest of the conversation went on like that – him telling me about his life and me trying my best to cheer him up. I really thought I did my best.

Within a couple of days after our last conversation, he ended his life.

Fast forward a year, I cried over his death for the first time. I cried tears of sorrow; he didn’t want to live another day. I cried tears of confusion; he was the first person I’d ever known to take their own life. I cried tears of guilt; I was too young to see what he was trying to tell me and I couldn’t keep him alive.

I cried of remorse because I didn’t cry sooner...

For months, I asked myself what more I could have done differently… what I could have done to keep him alive. And it took me a while to stop blaming myself and understand that it’s hard to know what the “right” thing to do when it comes to suicide prevention. It can seem like walking on eggshells.

But we can know the signs.

• Talking about wanting to die or wanting to kill oneself

• Making a plan or looking for a way to kill oneself, such as searching online

• Buying a gun or stockpiling pills

• Feeling empty, hopeless, trapped, or like there's no reason to live

• Being in unbearable pain

• Talking about being a burden to others

• Using more alcohol or drugs

• Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly

• Sleeping too little or too much

• Withdrawing from family or friends or feeling isolated

• Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge

• Displaying extreme mood swings

• Saying good-bye to loved ones, putting affairs in order

Some of these appear normal everyday happenings and you may even have noticed signs of this behavior in yourself or from a loved one in the past. And that’s the thing. Suicide doesn’t discriminate – and without the right support system, any one of us can call fall victim to thoughts of suicide, or worse.

To those who have or have had suicidal thoughts, there is nothing wrong with you. It just means that life is hard right now. And that’s understandable. We don’t know what the pressures of life may be the piece of straw broke the camel’s back.

But what we do know is that to thrive, it takes a village. It takes genuine kindness. It takes awareness. From everyone. So, check in on your friends periodically – hear their voice. Keep your relationships healthy, satisfying, and loving.

If you have ever contemplated taking your life, please don’t lose hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it will be hard, but try to find peace at the end of every day, and wake up with hope every morning. And to those who haven’t experienced suicidal thoughts, do your part and don’t stop talking about mental health. Our lives depend on it.

To this day, when I think of my late friend, I promise him that we will do better. We will be kinder to one another. We will listen with open ears.

And we will do our part to remind ourselves and others of the beauty of life.

Love,

Autumn