Living as a Black Woman in Today's America

What is America to you?

That’s something that I’ve been thinking about lately. I have been questioning my purpose, my value, and faith. All the while, thanking God that He’s allowed me to make it this far but fearful about what else He expects me to overcome in my search for peace.

For a while there, I found peace and it was nice while it lasted. I finally was able to be a Black woman in America. I had the audacity to think this country saw the error of its ways but then I had an inevitable wake-up call.

Ahmaud Arbery was lynched. Then George Floyd was murdered. Then we learned about Breonna Taylor being killed. Then Oluwatoyin "Toyin" Salau was raped, dismissed, and found dead. Then we learned of the hanging of Black bodies that went unnoticed. Then we learned of Elijah McClain who passed away a year ago. Then Althea Bernstein survived being set on fire by racists.

These are just some of the countless people who have faced the ugliest side of this country. And I wonder who will be next tomorrow.

There is not a day that goes by when I don’t think of the torture Black people experience just to live. And there is not a day that goes by that while I am grateful to be alive, that I don’t have the ability to live. I only survive.

Currently…

• I am not allowed to rest.

• I am not allowed to be comfortable.

• I am not allowed to feel safe.

• I am not allowed to provide facts.

• I am not allowed to have opinions.

• I am not allowed to uplift my community.

• I am not allowed to worship privately.

• I am not allowed to be mad.

• I am not allowed to be close to my loved ones.

• I am not allowed to express myself.

• I am not allowed to use my voice.

• I am not allowed to believe my life matters.

• I am not allowed to live freely.

I would say I envy those who get to live, and I mean truly live life, on their own terms. But I don’t. To be envious isn’t giving praise to who I am. It would be an insult to the life that I’ve lived. There is nothing in this world that would deter me from loving my Blackness. There is no amount of slander, no amount of hate, and no amount of ignorance that would make me believe that I don’t belong.

But this is my norm. To face people who I once admired and hear and read their words of how my existence and my experience isn’t what I think it is. That I need to just move on and let the past be the past.

I am reminded over and over again that this is my America. And in this America, I don’t have the same luxuries that were promised to the people who stole this “land of the free”.

We were kidnapped and forced into slavery. We built this country while our women were raped and our men were defiled. We were chained, brutalized, and hunted for sport. We were divided and taken from our families. We suffered, but we survived.

You thought those days were over, huh? Think again.

How could they be when the oppression has never ended. It has just evolved into our institutions.

• We are still kidnapped and forced into slavery (i.e. correctional system).

• We are still raped (i.e. police).

• We are still defiled (i.e. police).

• We are still chained (i.e. correctional system).

• We are still brutalized (i.e. correctional system).

• We are still hunted for sport (i.e. police).

• We are still divided and taken from our families (i.e. correctional system).

• We still suffer, but we survive (i.e. America).

But we will always be resilient and bold and intelligent. And will love those who hate us and we will forgive the unforgivable.

The funny thing is that we aren’t seeking revenge, but we are owed. We don’t want anyone’s forgiveness; we want oppression abolished. And if you’re not about it, we need you to move out of the way. If you don't, you will be bulldozed because change is coming.

And that’s what America is to me as a Black woman.

Love,

Autumn