It’s Time to Forgive, Right?

Am I the only one who is having a difficult time building a relationship with their biological father after a decade or more of avoiding said relationship? No? Whew! I was beginning to feel bad.

In my mental and spiritual journey of rediscovery, acceptance, and closure, this has been one of the toughest obstacles to overcome.

When I had just turned five, my biological father was no longer a part of my life. Well, what I should say is that when I was five, I was no longer in my biological father’s life. Due to circumstances that I will not mention at this time, I wasn’t raised by my biological father. And after a failed attempt to begin communicating in 2009 (because of my immaturity and [naturally] closed off demeanor), we actually physically reconnected in 2015, a few months after I had turned twenty-two years old.

Let’s just say it has been an awkward ride since…

First of all, it wasn’t even my decision to reconnect. Here I was, a newly college graduate, who was ready to start a new journey away from home. I wasn’t thinking about the father I never knew. I wasn’t thinking about beginning a relationship that I felt I deserved since the beginning. I wasn’t interested in opening a chapter I wanted closed.

Besides, it had been seventeen years since I had even seen this person in real life and I doubt I was ready to meet him, especially considering that we never had a real conversation. Like I said, when I was in high school, we had a failed attempt to reconnect and start getting to know each other. What had happened was… we were on the phone (I can’t remember who called who), I asked him the questions I thought I wanted the answers to, and I wasn’t ready to hear or accept the answers he had given. I ended up promising him that I would call him back the next day, but he never received another call from me after that.

Yikes. Even typing that makes me feel bad about this. Where our relationship currently stands eats at me as I get older and older. I honestly just can’t help it. In my mind, when it comes to my biological father, … I’m still a child. I understand why, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Where we left off and where we have the ability to pick up… there is just too large of a gap to even begin, right?

I have always felt some sort of nervousness when seeing or speaking to him, but since we met in 2015, it’s gotten better, teeny bit by teeny bit. To provide a clearer perspective, my sister (whom I found out about and met in 2015 and since then have established a pretty great relationship with, if I say so myself) had to convince me to sit down to have lunch with him when I visited her in 2018. I say that to say it hasn’t been easy and I don’t think it will be for an awfully long time.

I’m happy to announce, though, that lately I have been trying to do better.

He called recently and I actually picked up! …after he called me back to back and sent me a text message. We talked for a bit and I should thank Stutter Home’s Pink Moscato because I was more open to having a conversation. We chit chatted, yada yada, and somehow or another he started talking about something he had been working on. Some piece of writing he was working on and believe it or not, it made me feel more connected to him. It seemed like after that, I was more willing to speak with him.

And maybe that’s what we needed, what I needed – something to make him more real and not just a memory that’s trying to make a comeback.

I’m not saying we will build a relationship that will make up for the relationship I wasn’t granted as a child, but it’s a start. With what is going on in the world right now, I think it’s important to appreciate the value of life. It’s time that I be more intention with the relationships I have and to start evaluating relationships I have, want, or don’t want.

I know is no one is perfect, and life is too short. I can’t deny that some actions are unforgivable, but my biological father just didn’t have the tools to be a better man at the time.

Twenty-two years later, I am ready to say that he is forgiven in my book.

And I hope you can forgive, too.

Love,

Autumn