Please Stop with the Toxic Positivity

May is mental health month and I’ve been going through it. Somehow, a lot of it had stemmed from the positive energy I’ve had lately. I have been waking up energized, getting things done, being creative, cooking, and just been ready to take on the world.

It sounds weird, yes, I know. I mean, I’m going through it because I’m not going through it? Has my life really revolved around chaos to the point where I’m uncomfortable when things go well? I’ll be honest – I’m not accustomed to life going well. It’s foreign to me. I’m not used to a calm atmosphere, especially one that I’ve created for myself. And that’s the thought that has caused me to second guess myself and reflect on the negative experiences I’ve endured.

The happiness I earned has caused me to feel sadness, supporting my lifelong fear of never having the ability to be happy. The fear of never finding happiness, or even finding a way to end the suffering, is something that has been inside me for as long as I can remember. It’s something I always thought I would never be able to experience: contentment. It’s been a long road convincing myself that joy is attainable, maintainable, and that I am deserving of it, no matter the hardships I’ve had in the past.

But even knowing that I am deserving of happiness, that doesn’t mean that life will always be kind to me, and I don’t expect it to. And with that, sadness is an inevitable and natural part of life. It’s an emotion that was given to me and I ain’t afraid to use it.

Needless to say, it’s perfectly fine to be sad. I will be sad for any and every reason I can think of. And why shouldn’t I? It’s a feeling that helps us to process what’s going on in our world. It’s a basic emotion, really – one of the four (the others being: happiness, anger, and fear) that alerts and signals our bodies when we feel we need better from ourselves or others.

Your feelings are valid, should not be ignored, and shouldn’t be downplayed… Too bad it doesn’t align with the culture of being happy no matter what. Yeah, I saw that post about toxic positivity and as you can probably tell, I felt that on a personal level (as the kids say).

If someone asked Pre-Therapy Autumn how she felt about toxic positivity, she may have said something along the lines of:

• How is positivity toxic?!

• Why would someone choose to be sad?

• How can I be faking happiness if I am happy?

If someone asked me how I felt about toxic positivity now, I would say something like this… “I think it’s dumb for you to try to make me feel that I should feel better just because you weren’t allowed to express yourself as a child”. I think it’s a serious offense of privilege, dismissal, and denial that one tries to project onto someone else. It’s not fair and it’s not logical – you can’t hide in fear of sadness.

You have the right to feel a way that others may be uncomfortable with and it is okay when that happens. I say when because it’s going to happen, time and time again – until you change your circle. When it comes to how you feel, you have to take You into a much stronger consideration, even if it means to be a little more cautious with who you express yourself to. Expressing myself and how I truly feel has been a journey in itself, so I couldn’t even imagine having someone try to invalidate emotions that once upon a time, I didn’t allow myself to have.

On the other end, those who don’t openly experience sadness probably didn’t choose for it to be like that, just like I didn’t. I sympathize with those who weren’t granted permission to feel sad while they were young and thus haven’t found the peace to give themselves permission to feel sad as adults. It also intrigues me that said people don’t understand why feeling sadness is important. Maybe they were made to believe that sadness was a privilege that only those who don’t have what they did had. Perhaps growing up they were made to believe that being sad equated to ungratefulness for the good things they were provided in life.

While I understand the difficulty of being unable to process their own feelings, it is not okay to project that onto someone who has done the work. And that’s what really gets me riled up. While those who don’t allow themselves to feel sadness go about their business, when the topic of sadness arises, they don’t handle with care. They tend to be unsupportive, being unable to provide vulnerability and a safe space to loved ones sharing adverse sentiments with them.

May has been a doozy and I was down for some time. When I was ready, I picked myself up the only way I could: by being honest. I had to see and accept that I wasn’t happy, and that’s all it takes sometimes. So, don’t dismiss your feelings and don’t ever let anyone else dismiss them either. Guide that person on how to better serve you in your time of need. And if eventually they can’t evolve, rethink the role they play in your life, because you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

Your feelings are an extension of You, and you are valid in every part of your being. Your feelings tell you what you need in that moment, so listen because they whisper sometimes.

Don’t be uncomfortable with sadness. Be uncomfortable with those who “console” you by saying, “it could be worse”.

Love,

Autumn